A New World

It's been nearly a year since I last posted. I completely missed Periwinkle and Indigo's seventh birthday, and Cyan is nearly three. We've been busy with preparing for First Communion, dance practice, soccer, basketball, gymnastics, Cub Scouts, Girl Scouts, swim lessons, open gym for Cyan, and a million other things.

Except now it's all stopped. Someone hit pause on our lives, and we are all in suspended animation waiting for them to hit Play again. Cyan's first trip to Disney...postponed. Peri's recital...who knows? Do I print communion invites? Do I brave the outside world with my suppressed immune system to deal with two troublesome teeth or just suck up the pain? And of course there's the constant worry and anxiety about much loved older family members.

I'm not sleeping great. I wake up most nights and fight myself back to sleep, trying to think about anything other than this bizarre new reality. The uncertainty. The lack of anticipation and optimism I feel. I stay up too late watching mindnumbing tv to delay the moments between waking and sleeping. I've always hated those moments, even as a kid. That's when the boogeymen come out and shadows seem like nightmares. And as an adult with three kids who are confused and worried themselves (well, maybe not Cyan), those shadows seem even darker. So, yeah, night isn't my favorite these days. It reminds me of how I felt when Cyan was in the NICU and I felt utterly helpless and scared. I want to do something and make this whole horrid situation go away.

So I've been focusing on keeping up their school stuff. It's hard for them to focus when tv and games are right there. Peri blazes through, but Indigo needs more prodding. There's been some yelling. We've let things slide from one day's schedule to the next. We're figuring it out as we go. I'm looking forward to getting more solid direction from the school. The worksheets sent home aren't that exciting, but I know the teachers did what they could with little notice. The school system has been fantastic.

Today we went for a hike and examined the natural world around us. We listened for different bird calls. Don't ask me what types of birds, but there were several. We watched an angry and protective swan charge at two aggressive geese, chasing them across the street and eventually across the pond. He was strong and fierce and majestic, and likely protecting a nest somewhere. 

I sympathized. I would fight some geese for my kids too. But how can I fight this invisible virus?